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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Are these grass-fed oranges?
pls suprot
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.