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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Solving a traffic jam
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.