You Might Also Like
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”