@mariana057

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

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@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

@emily_tweets

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@aotakeo

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

@drinksmcgee

I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

@TheRealRHB

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me