Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me