What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?