Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace