Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.