Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

I am HOWLING at this

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting