Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Mistakes were made

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

North and South

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.