Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.