Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

checking out some reviews of my local library

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

the way this pissed me off… 😭

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.