What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I am absolutely never leaving this website
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”