What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I can’t stop watching this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
You know…for fall…
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.