Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces