Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Finally, an explanation.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.