What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him