What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You Might Also Like
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.