“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds