“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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let’s discuss
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
hmm conte-me mais
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
look scared
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?