“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.