“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
