Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch