Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but that was my emotional support daylight

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

per my last wtf

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

No. He’s not coming out to play

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.