“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Never deleting this app.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.