Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty