What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Siri: Retweet me.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.