What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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mood
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.