‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.