‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
You Might Also Like
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
#merica
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?