Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat