Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

So true for me

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍