WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Spring of Deception
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no