Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?