“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I triple waxed for this?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.