“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
If you need a laugh.. 😅
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.