“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me hooking up with my ex
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.