Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

SPLOOT

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?