Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

wishing you and yours all the best

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants