What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.