They did not think through this water fountain
What do we want?
When do we want them?
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One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.
Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Cooking = 1 hour
Eating = 5 mins
Dishes = 3 days
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?