Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.