@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

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@shkeeber

One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.

@ItsAndyRyan

Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”

@JediGigi

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

@INeed_AnAdult

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

@SwedishCanary

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?