Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I enjoy a good short stor

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”