WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP