WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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#growingpains
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
crazy
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host