WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’