WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
You Might Also Like
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.