What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You Might Also Like
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir