What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!