What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
translated into Canadian
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.