What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
He’s cranky this morning
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly