@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

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@Kali_Mura

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

@UnFitz

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

@AndrewsNotFunny

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

@thedad

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

@jellybnbonanza

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

@tgilliland789

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.