Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*