@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

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@copymama

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@WilliamRodgers

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.