My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.