What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.


Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.


“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.


Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark


me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic


wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok


So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.


*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.


Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.