Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

He’s cranky this morning

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

they really do be looking like this