Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Bear knowledge

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Denise please return my vape pen

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”