WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.