Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching