Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.