What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.