Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

My flabber has been gasted.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.