What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti