Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

The Sun

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”