Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go