what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.