@ohheyohhihello

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

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@cheers27402373

“Dad, where’s my king size Milk Chocolate Hershey Bar I got from trick or treating?”

(Cricket Sound)
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@_Bad_Karma

HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@RodLacroix

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

@GlennyRodge

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

@generaldietz

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@gasstationgurl

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

@StruggleDisplay

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like