what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.