What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
my nickname in college
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today