Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people