Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely