Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed