Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*