“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Saw this yesterday lol
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong