“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol