WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.