Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

What kind of a cult is this?

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

True story 🤣

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake