Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

Self-cleaning conscience

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”