What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus