Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Pretty certain I can more drunk

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.