Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.