Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Growing up was a huge mistake

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Isn’t

12653.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

my mind

You just read my mind

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

🐦

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”