Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

when you order from DoorDastardly

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy