what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.