Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

is nasa ok

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Best seat on the street 😍

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room