[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
*justin just sits there*
READ THE NEWS JUSTIN
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Wife: were you even listening to me?
Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?
Me: I said no
Wife: I’m not sure what to do now
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”
Sign two was failing skeleton class.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”