What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.