What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog