Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.